Re: Jokes Post them here for giggles.

Tue Jan 11, 2022 5:42 pm

The old ones are the best!

Tue Jan 11, 2022 6:03 pm

As they say, "There's nothing like a good old joke!",
...and that was nothing like a good old joke... ;-D

Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:00 pm

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is £150.
“£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity.
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m really sorry but if you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. However with the Lab report and the cat scan it’s £150.

Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:59 pm

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is
barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did
you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they
like it!"

Wed Jan 12, 2022 10:24 am

Knowledge is power!
France is Bacon...

Wed Jan 12, 2022 3:41 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates...

Wed Jan 12, 2022 3:51 pm

ShortJohnSilver wrote:THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates...

LOL I told you not to add me in that story, My Scottish wife will hit me again if she sees this.
lol!

Wed Jan 12, 2022 6:54 pm

Seeing that I forgot to put the punchline on the other long joke (ish) here’s some easy ones .

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:15 pm

Nelson was 5’4” tall.
His statue in London is 16 feet tall.

That’s Horatio of 3:1

Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:16 pm

Thu Mar 03, 2022 10:51 am

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a £20 note in his mouth , reading "5 lamb chops please": Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus- stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my a..… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

Mon Mar 07, 2022 3:04 pm

To be sincerely honest in my humble opinion without being sentimental of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view and without hiding any thoughts in my mind and without lies,to the actual truth with my clear open mind and clean heart,expressing what ever is embedded inside me for a long time which I didn't say just because I was nervous.But Today, by gathering all the courage and motivation, I just want to say that I actually feel and think that I have absolutely nothing to say

Mon Mar 07, 2022 3:08 pm

But you said it very well @ShortJohnSilver

Wed Mar 30, 2022 10:06 am

Wed Mar 30, 2022 1:25 pm

Q: does anyone know why the picture went to jail?

A:it was framed

Mon Apr 04, 2022 9:28 pm

Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Wed Apr 13, 2022 2:07 pm

I went swimming the other day and thought I’d have a sneaky piss in the deep end unfortunately the lifeguard caught me and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex. - But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Wed Apr 13, 2022 4:16 pm

Sun Apr 17, 2022 4:49 pm

A man, lost in the desert for days, finally ran out of water, and hope.
When he thought his end had finally come, he thought he saw, far, far in the distance, a pole with a sign on it.
Expecting it to just be a mirage, due to lack of water and the blazing sun, he decided that he might as well head that way, as he was done for anyway.
After several hours of crawling on all fours, he finally reached the sign, and with his last ounce of strength, he managed to pull himself up and through sand scratched, dry and blistered eyes, he read.......... "anyone caught throwing stones at this sign will be prosecuted"

Sun Apr 17, 2022 8:14 pm

Fortune8 wrote:A man, lost in the desert for days, finally ran out of water, and hope.
When he thought his end had finally come, he thought he saw, far, far in the distance, a pole with a sign on it.
Expecting it to just be a mirage, due to lack of water and the blazing sun, he decided that he might as well head that way, as he was done for anyway.
After several hours of crawling on all fours, he finally reached the sign, and with his last ounce of strength, he managed to pull himself up and through sand scratched, dry and blistered eyes, he read.......... "anyone caught throwing stones at this sign will be prosecuted"

Tue Apr 19, 2022 11:34 pm

Oh man thats awesome fortune8

Wed Apr 20, 2022 7:26 am

Fortune8 wrote:A man, lost in the desert for days, finally ran out of water, and hope.
When he thought his end had finally come, he thought he saw, far, far in the distance, a pole with a sign on it.
Expecting it to just be a mirage, due to lack of water and the blazing sun, he decided that he might as well head that way, as he was done for anyway.
After several hours of crawling on all fours, he finally reached the sign, and with his last ounce of strength, he managed to pull himself up and through sand scratched, dry and blistered eyes, he read.......... "anyone caught throwing stones at this sign will be prosecuted"

Jokes Post them here for giggles. - Page 2 591f2710

Fri Apr 22, 2022 11:53 am

Dad jokes below:

Knock knock

Who?
Hawaii
Hawaii who
Im good how are you

Knock knock
Who?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you

Fri Apr 22, 2022 12:05 pm

Jazz wrote:Dad jokes below:

Knock knock
Who?
Hawaii
Hawaii who
Im good how are you

Knock knock
Who?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you

Knock! Knock!!
Who's there...?

Someone who can't reach the doorbell!!!

Sat Apr 23, 2022 10:45 am

Knock! Knock!!
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
Nobel…that’s why I knocked!!!