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Jokes Post them here for giggles.

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Tue Jan 11, 2022 5:42 pm
The old ones are the best!

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ShortJohnSilver
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Tue Jan 11, 2022 6:03 pm
As they say, "There's nothing like a good old joke!",
...and that was nothing like a good old joke... ;-D

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Mcb2007
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Jokes Post them here for giggles.  - Page 2 Empty Dead duck

Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:00 pm
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is £150.
“£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity.
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m really sorry but if you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. However with the Lab report and the cat scan it’s £150.


Last edited by Mcb2007 on Wed Jan 12, 2022 11:33 am; edited 2 times in total

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Tue Jan 11, 2022 7:59 pm
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is
barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did
you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they
like it!"

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ShortJohnSilver
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Wed Jan 12, 2022 10:24 am
Knowledge is power!
France is Bacon...🤔
ShortJohnSilver
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Wed Jan 12, 2022 3:41 pm
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates...

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Wed Jan 12, 2022 3:51 pm
@ShortJohnSilver wrote:THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates...
LOL I told you not to add me in that story, My Scottish wife will hit me again if she sees this. 
lol!

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Mcb2007
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Wed Jan 12, 2022 6:54 pm
Seeing that I forgot to put the punchline on the other long joke (ish) here’s some easy ones .

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

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ShortJohnSilver
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Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:15 pm
Nelson was 5’4” tall.
His statue in London is 16 feet tall.

That’s Horatio of 3:1
ShortJohnSilver
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Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:16 pm
Jokes Post them here for giggles.  - Page 2 Fb_img10

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