Jokes Post them here for giggles.

Knock! Knock!!
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
Nobel…that’s why I knocked!!!

Knock! Knock!!
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s still not working!!!

Im afraid of the calendar, its days are numbered

Why are there only 363 days in an orphans calendar They don’t have fathers or Mother’s Day

Ouch but

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

ShortJohnSilver wrote:I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a check up and he told me I have a problem with my coffee consumption. 

I looked at him like he was on drugs and said, No Doc, I have a problem without coffee.

Admin wrote:I went to the doctor yesterday for a check up and he told me I have a problem with my coffee consumption. 

I looked at him like he was on drugs and said, No Doc, I have a problem without coffee.

It is called O C D...

Obsessive
Coffee
Disorder

ShortJohnSilver wrote:

Admin wrote:I went to the doctor yesterday for a check up and he told me I have a problem with my coffee consumption. 

I looked at him like he was on drugs and said, No Doc, I have a problem without coffee.

It is called O C D...

Obsessive
Coffee
Disorder

Not a thing, thats a made up bit, FAKE news, not interested, Aliens are real, the earth is really flat, 
OCD really stands for Only Coffee Defends, 

Yep without coffee I would be a raging nut job  

Coffee, Coffee Coffee....

1. 2. 3 .4

Coffee

"Yep without coffee I would be a raging nut job "
I think you need more coffee @Admin !  

The Cat's Mother wrote:"Yep without coffee I would be a raging nut job "
I think you need more coffee  @Admin !  

Yes please, 

Excited about his new BMW, a man was out driving at top speed. Soon he saw the flashing blue lights behind him...

The officer checked out the man’s license and said, “If you can give me a good excuse for your speeding that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man responded, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop: I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

The officer handed the man back his license and politely said, “Enjoy your weekend.”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually, she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep...

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU’RE A**3!".

The Teacher fainted.

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he had never left it on its own. Then one day he was called out of town on a family emergency, so he left his gorilla in care of his next-door neighbor.

He explained to his neighbor that he’d be gone for two weeks, and all he had to do was feed the gorilla one banana at three, six, and nine o'clock each day. But he was never ever to touch its fur.

The first day, the neighbor came and gave the gorilla a banana at the three appointed times. He was very careful to avoid its fur.

The next day started thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be unusual about it." But still he avoided it.

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he tried to understand. At the end of the first week, the neighbor had worked himself into a frenzy and decided he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana, and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went nuts and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, now consumed with fear, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove frantically until he finally ran out of gas and the car stopped. He then jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man managed to escape from the tree and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. He ran into an alleyway when, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming towards him. It was the gorilla!

But there was no escape from the alley. As the gorilla neared him, the man hovered in the corner. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand, and said,

“Tag, you’re it.”

I am LAUGHING  soo much over the Micky